A life less interesting...

It can be tricky, being able to survive life in an office-type environment. I am not talking about a fast-paced, stressful, high blood-pressure inducing, investment banker type job…I am talking about the kind of office life where one day cannot be distinguished from another, where something as simple as changing the intensity of the lighting will send people into an unnecessary type of rage usually only seen by people with mental illnesses or severe drinking problems.

Imagine a working environment strikingly similar to that portrayed in the film “Office Space”, where middle-aged women throw toddler-like fits when they are not granted the privilege of making a Grand and Toy order…they need new pens, they do not like the other pens in the office, they don’t have those fancy cushion on them or the shade of pink ink they are looking for. Need I mention that these women work on computers, and they rarely require writing utensils? Also, there are more pens than humanly necessary in this office…just saying.
This type of person, the type who gets personally offended when her supervisor will not order pens for her, she is also the type whose life is greatly affected by reality television. For example, when this type of person is not complaining about her job, or making personal phone-calls loud enough for her surrounding co-workers to hear that she is taking her adult son to trim his faux-hawk, she is attempting to engage anyone and everyone in a conversation about what she watched on television the night prior. She will drone on and on with such passion in her voice about how much that one guy on “Idol” sang so beautifully, and how he should win because “he really deserves it”. What’s more is she will try and dissect every moment of the previous night’s episode of “So you think you can dance?”, trying to really understand what was going on in the minds of those dancers. Keep in mind that if she has yet to find anybody to spew her nonsense to, she will be listening intently to every conversation going on around her…waiting to pounce…to spring into the conversation not involving her and take it in her own direction.
She is like a lion, a slightly brain-damaged lion that attacks people’s conversations and refers to celebrities by their first names, to give the impression that she knows them personally.
Below are some actual quotes from a woman fitting this description:

“I don’t think Tom deserved an Oscar for Forest Gump, he seemed kind of retarded to me.”

Or:

“Joaquin was terrific in Walk the Line, but he sings a lot like Johnny Cash…I think he’s copying him.”

The office environment is jungle-like in its atmosphere. However, instead of hearing animal noises, the office is filled with the noise of people making personal phone calls, or talking about their children. The roaring lions and tigers are replaced with people cursing at the photocopier, or swearing at their computers…computers that they have in fact ruined on their own by downloading questionable content while at work. It’s all very wild, really.

Another type of person commonly encountered in the mundane office environment is the short, bald, politically incorrect, penguin-shaped man. Clocking in at just less than five feet tall, this man will take every chance he can to make things awkward and uncomfortable. He is even known to keep a list of dirty jokes in his desk that he will read to the summer-students who sit near his desk…mind you, he will be the only person laughing during this exchange as the students will awkwardly smile and attempt to distance themselves from the situation.

A common trait of this penguin-shaped man is close-talking. Getting close enough to whomever he chooses to talk to, it is not an uncommon occurrence that his belt buckle will brush up against the leg of the innocent victim he is forcing into making polite conversation. It is yet to be determined as to whether or not this individual received any kind of gratification from the inappropriate contact, although it would not be surprising if he did.

As openly inappropriate as the penguin-shaped man can be, he does in fact remain an elusive creature. Only present for about an hour each day, this man will make his presence known in the morning, while everybody is just settling into the work day. After an hour of inappropriate language, being too-close for comfort, and showing the young men in the office how much cash he carries in his pocket…without a wallet, mind you…he will feel his work day is complete and sneak off to the golf course. As inconspicuous as he believes he is, the sunglasses tan on his face the next day gives him away. Every single time, without fail.

It remains to be seen whether or not this office-environment attracts oddballs, or they are created by the overwhelming monotony. Are people with such glaring social inadequacies best suited for a workplace that runs on mindless repetition? Or does that very repetition, along with being surrounded by other people, who are indeed bat-shit crazy, breed craziness? The only answer is to spend thirty years in such a workplace.

Let’s not do that…okay?

It's easy...

It's simple, really.

Becoming an alcoholic, I mean. Not one of those sad, I punch my wife and kick my daughter to the floor types, but a fun-loving, charming goon who becomes the lovable fool everybody considers pleasant and hilarious.

This is how it works:

Drink in the morning. For real, drink in the morning. Beer in your cereal, wash the toothpaste out of your mouth with vodka. Water is not that important, and I'm lactose intolerant anyway. Get yourself a healthy buzz going, and then find a job interview. Getting a job interview is key, extra points if it is a politically correct office-type environment where you have to dress up.

Getting completely shit-faced, fall-down-drunk is not necessary, although it does add to the hilarity if your are able to do so and still handle yourself. Now, if you do want to impress at the job interview, get yourself all dressed up and handsome before you start to drink in the morning...only because finding the coordination to handle a bow-tie and buckle a belt becomes a little more difficult as one's level of intoxication increases. Plus, sitting at home alone, bow-tie clad in the dark is actually a good time. If you're drinking.

The issue of maintaining your composure at a job interview is a big one, therefore you should practice getting drunk and selling your many competencies to your potential employer at home in the mirror, every night. This way, when it comes time to slur your way through an interview, you will already have your speech memorized. It seems necessary to mention that if you are the type to become belligerent, racist, sexist, feminist, or violent when drunk you may have to nix the idea of becoming a fully-functioning alcoholic...being a closeted, night-time alcoholic is the route for you. Although, if you are in fact the type who (allegedly) becomes more charming, articulate, educated, and attractive when drunk then the drunken job interview is for you...hell, you're already on the way to the corner office and a company car, which you may need to leave at home...you know.

This plan takes full-on commitment, because if you do in fact charm those who interview you and get a job while being drunk, then unfortunately you can not afford to take a day off and go to work sober. Working sober at a job that you acquired while heavily intoxicated, medicated, handsome...whatever you want to call it...is a bad, bad thing. If you show up for work lacking the lovable slur and stains on your sport coat that all of your co-workers have come to know and love you will be discovered as a drunken idiot, instead of "that funny guy who always screams at the photocopier".