It's easy...

It's simple, really.

Becoming an alcoholic, I mean. Not one of those sad, I punch my wife and kick my daughter to the floor types, but a fun-loving, charming goon who becomes the lovable fool everybody considers pleasant and hilarious.

This is how it works:

Drink in the morning. For real, drink in the morning. Beer in your cereal, wash the toothpaste out of your mouth with vodka. Water is not that important, and I'm lactose intolerant anyway. Get yourself a healthy buzz going, and then find a job interview. Getting a job interview is key, extra points if it is a politically correct office-type environment where you have to dress up.

Getting completely shit-faced, fall-down-drunk is not necessary, although it does add to the hilarity if your are able to do so and still handle yourself. Now, if you do want to impress at the job interview, get yourself all dressed up and handsome before you start to drink in the morning...only because finding the coordination to handle a bow-tie and buckle a belt becomes a little more difficult as one's level of intoxication increases. Plus, sitting at home alone, bow-tie clad in the dark is actually a good time. If you're drinking.

The issue of maintaining your composure at a job interview is a big one, therefore you should practice getting drunk and selling your many competencies to your potential employer at home in the mirror, every night. This way, when it comes time to slur your way through an interview, you will already have your speech memorized. It seems necessary to mention that if you are the type to become belligerent, racist, sexist, feminist, or violent when drunk you may have to nix the idea of becoming a fully-functioning alcoholic...being a closeted, night-time alcoholic is the route for you. Although, if you are in fact the type who (allegedly) becomes more charming, articulate, educated, and attractive when drunk then the drunken job interview is for you...hell, you're already on the way to the corner office and a company car, which you may need to leave at home...you know.

This plan takes full-on commitment, because if you do in fact charm those who interview you and get a job while being drunk, then unfortunately you can not afford to take a day off and go to work sober. Working sober at a job that you acquired while heavily intoxicated, medicated, handsome...whatever you want to call it...is a bad, bad thing. If you show up for work lacking the lovable slur and stains on your sport coat that all of your co-workers have come to know and love you will be discovered as a drunken idiot, instead of "that funny guy who always screams at the photocopier".